Loved Without Loving
by fantasyfan
Summary: Ten years after Will and Lyra go back to their own worlds, Will meets a woman who asks him to marry her. What will he say? What happens when he gives his answer? Please R
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Will, Lyra, Mary, any of the places, or the events previous to this story.

I do not deny wishing I did, but they are Phillip Pullman's, and I'm just borrowing.

2nd Disclaimer: I have not seen anything remotely akin to this anywhere on fanfiction.net or anywhere else. To me, this story is a DUH, and if it is a DUH to anyone else and they have also written it, I am extremely sorry and I promise I haven't copied off of you! 

Anyway, on with the story.

Loved Without Loving

Chapter 1

"Will you marry me?"

"What?" Will asked stupidly. He blinked at the woman sitting across from him.

She smiled even wider. "Precisely what I said. Will you marry me?"

"N - I - well that's - I'll think about it," Will stammered. In the past decade, he had imagined all sorts of situations where his past - or rather, Lyra, - would get in the way. This one had occurred to him, but that didn't make him prepared for it. He liked Vanessa, certainly, or he wouldn't have been dating her, but she was nothing like Lyra. Often that was a good thing, but he constantly found her inferior. Her dark brown hair was pretty, so long as Will didn't think about Lyra's blonde head. Her voice and laugh were musical, when not compared to Lyra's rough brogue and sweet giggle. Vanessa was intelligent, with a respectable college degree, though he doubted she could have come up with the sort of ideas Lyra could. He missed Lyra so much. All he wanted was to see her. Midsummer's Day, knowing that she was thinking of him, was a poor substitute for having her with him. He often dreamt of her, sometimes waking and crying himself back to sleep.

"Will?" Vanessa's voice brought him back to this world.

"Yeah?" he said, making sure it was a question so she wouldn't take it as an answer to her proposal.

"I said thanks for considering it," she replied, her smile never faltering.

"Ah - you're welcome," Will choked out. _I really meant it though, didn't I? _he thought, astonished._ I _will _think about it. How could I do this to Lyra? Oh Lyra, I love you! _Just then, the waiter hurried over. As he cleared away the empty plates, Will asked for the check. Vanessa frowned at him, trying to tell him to wait until the waiter asked, but Will didn't care. He just wanted to get home and think.

Driving was an effort. He was silent, and Vanessa didn't try to talk to him, except for a quick "good night" when he dropped her off. Twice Will almost ran red lights. Finally he reached his tiny apartment, where he collapsed on the bed. His dæ mon, Kirjava, jumped up.

"What happened?" she asked. She knew something was wrong; the human-dæ mon bond let her sense Will's distress.

"She proposed," Will replied flatly, throwing one arm across his eyes. There was no need to specify the 'she.'

"Oh Will," Kirjava whispered. "She's nice, but no Lyra and Pan."

Will sat up, suddenly angry. "Of course she's not Lyra! No one but Lyra is Lyra! No one will ever come close to being my Lyra!" Only when he stopped did he realize he had been shouting. He instantly felt guilty. "I'm sorry, Kirjava," he said at a more normal volume. "It's not your fault. I just wasn't prepared for this."

"I know," Kirjava said quietly. She sprang into Will's lap and curled up. Will absently stroked her fur as she retreated into his thoughts.

If it hadn't been for Kirjava, Will would never have started dating. Slowly, though, Kirjava had convinced him to give women a chance, reminding him of a promise to Lyra. Will could hear Lyra's voice in his head now, as clearly as he had then. "_And if we - later on - if we meet someone that we like, and if we marry them, then we must be good to them, and not make comparisons all the time and wish we were married to each other instead…"_ Wasn't his not dating because he was comparing girls to Lyra, Kirjava had pointed out. Yes of course he could miss Lyra, she did too, but there were plenty of girls who liked him out there and surely he could learn to like at least one back, Kirjava had said. And slowly, Will became convinced, and asked a girl out. That particular match was short-lived, but it was the first step to longer, deeper relationships. Eventually he met Vanessa, and when she invited him to a movie, he accepted. Will had grown to be comfortable with her, enough so for a casual romance. Vanessa hadn't rushed him; she let him move through the relationship slowly. Vanessa was possibly his best friend in _this_ world, except Mary who knew his secrets. But marriage?

He was financially independent, as was Vanessa. A wedding party, a new apartment would be no problem. Vanessa's parents would help them out too. The problem was bigger than that. Eventually, Will knew, Vanessa would want children, and he could only use the traditional 'not ready' excuse for so long. He would never be ready. He didn't want to father a child that wasn't Lyra's. He couldn't tell her about his adventure. She would never believe it, and she wouldn't still want to marry him if she knew he loved someone else. Then again, maybe that would be a good thing. After all, he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry her. Experimentally, Will probed his feelings. Yes, he decided, he wanted to marry her. He wanted to marry, for appearances and because a bachelor's life had never really appealed to him. Who better than Vanessa? The only better choice would be Mary, who knew his secrets, and she was far too old for that to work. Oh yes, marrying Vanessa was definitely a desirable option. If it was possible without children, or at the very least without sex. He could probably manage adoption. Perhaps he could come up with a story, something that would explain his aversion to sex. Sexual abuse as a child, maybe? No, she would probably try to help him "get over it." Slowly, and she wouldn't make him have sex if he said he wasn't ready, but she would still try. Anyway, he could figure that out later. For now, the important thing was that he would say yes. She would never be Lyra; no one could ever be anything like Lyra. He would not love her as he did Lyra. But he would marry her, and be good to her, for she was his friend.

"Kirjava," Will said finally.

His cat-shaped dæ mon stood, rubbing against Will's leg. "What?" she asked.

"I-I'm going to say yes," Will answered. "Do you think it's right?" Although he had thought it out carefully, he needed the Kirjava's reassurance. After all, she was part of him. It was hardly fair to make such a life-altering decision without her input or at least approval.

"Yes, Will, I think it is," Kirjava said immediately. "She loves you, though it's not reciprocated. And it will be a good pairing."

"Thank you," Will whispered. He lay down, almost asleep already. _Lyra, _he thought, just before he fell asleep, _I love you._

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Well? What do you think? Let me know by using the little purple box that says "Go" next to the thingy that says "send a review." All comments are appreciated, however I do ask that you don't flame. If you didn't like the story, that's fine, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but please tell me WHY you disliked the story.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Well, for those of you who asked if there would be more, here's your answer: Yes! So, thanks to everyone who reviewed - you know who you are - and here's chapter two, enjoy!

Chapter 2 - Loved Without Loving

They walked along the quiet path in silence. The twittering and chirping of birds filled the air, and the gravel crunched beneath their feet. Will did not hear it, or at least the sounds did not register; his thoughts were on what to say to the woman walking next to him.

She saved him from the puzzle by speaking first. "It's very nice out here. This was a good idea."

"Thank you," Will replied. He drew a deep breath. "Vanessa, there's another reason I invited you out here. I've been thinking about what you said Friday night." He watched Vanessa closely, trying to gauge her reaction. _Lyra, _he thought, _I'm sorry, oh Lyra._

Vanessa took a sharp, quick breath. "And?" The breath didn't come out, though she was obviously trying to act interested but indifferent.

Will led her to a nearby bench, then sat down beside her. From his jacket pocket he pulled a black box, the sort used for jewelry. He pressed it into Vanessa's hands. "Here."

She looked up at him uncertainly. Will nodded encouragingly, smiling. Slowly, her hands trembling slightly with combined hope and dread, Vanessa flipped open the top. Speechless, she stared down at what it held for a moment. Suddenly, she threw her arms around Will's neck, still holding the open box, and held tight. He was surprised, but did not mind a bit. After all, she had hugged him before, even if it wasn't usually this hard. Just as he started to return the hug, she pulled away. A huge smile lit her face.

"Oh Will, thank you so much!" she cried. "I'm so happy!" She quickly sobered. "But are you sure? You seemed…upset on Friday." She watched him anxiously.

Will choked back a bitter laugh. If only she knew! "I was just shocked. But I'm sure." He forced a smile, finding it easier than he thought it would be. "I want to marry you, Vanessa, and it will happen." Leaning over, he carefully plucked out the box's contents with his left hand and gently tugged at Vanessa's hand with his right. Startled but clearly pleased, she held her hand out and let him slide the engagement ring onto her finger. Both admired it for a moment. The diamond, flanked by tiny rubies, caught the sunlight and threw it back, shining and glittering brightly. Vanessa moved her hand this way and that, making the light reflect everywhere, including into Will's eyes. His eyes were momentarily dazzled. In the brightness, he thought he could almost make out a shape. It looked like an hourglass, with something on top. Something small and oval. And - with teeth? A moment later, the faint image vanished, leaving him looking only at Vanessa. He shook his head, trying to clear it.

"What?" she asked.

"Oh - I just - nothing. Nothing at all." Will answered quickly. He shook his head again, for emphasis this time. "Nothing."

Vanessa looked at him sideways. She clearly disbelieved him, but changed the subject. "Well we're engaged now, right?" Will nodded cautiously. He was never quite sure if he should trust that sly tone. "So…that means we have to get married."

"Um, yes, I believe that's how it usually works," he answered.

"So," her face broke into a huge grin, "we need to pick a date for the wedding!"

"Ah, yes, that," Will said playfully. "Any suggestions?"

"Actually, yes," Vanessa answered. "I was thinking about Midsummer's Day."

Alarms went off in Will's brain. He couldn't share that day with anyone but Lyra. Most certainly not Vanessa. He had to get the Botanical Gardens that day, which he couldn't do if he was getting married. "No," he said firmly. He felt a touch of pride that he hadn't shouted.

Vanessa frowned. "Why not? It would be so romantic," she argued.

"I know, that's true, but - no," Will repeated, turning away so she wouldn't see his bitter smile. Midsummer's Day was, for him, already more romantic than a wedding could make it.

Vanessa tried again. "But Will-"

"But nothing!" Will interrupted harshly. "I said no!" He rose and stalked a little way off. He didn't want to fight with Vanessa. It was so hard though, she seemed to want this so much, and he could never be exactly rational about Midsummer's Day. With a sigh Will leaned against a tree. He needed to give Vanessa a reason. Even if she could make herself accept his refusal, she would want to know why. The true reason wouldn't work. He could just imagine it. _Pardon me, but we can't get married on Midsummer's Day because I have to go sit on a bench…the woman I love will be sitting there in another world, it's the only way we can be anything like together…so maybe if we moved the wedding to another day…? _No, things like that usually didn't go over too well. But he would not marry on Midsummer's Day. It would be a betrayal. Suddenly, Will realized what he had seen in the flash from Vanessa's ring. The thing on top of the hourglass was a skull. An hourglass with a skull on top - one of the symbols on the alethiometer. The one that, way down on its list of meanings, meant betrayal. "No, Lyra, I'm not betraying you my love," he whispered. He forced down a sob that rose in his throat. _You gave it your approval, not directly, but oh you did, all those years ago, and I still love you, Lyra, I will never stop loving you, _he thought. Another sob tried to come out. _I miss you. I know I promised not to, but I always compare Vanessa's kisses to yours…oh Lyra… _Will gave up on keeping the sobs back and let them come, resting his head in his hand and squeezing his eyes shut. He knew Vanessa could see his back, and probably knew he was crying - she was amazingly good at reading body language, it must come of being a fifth-grade teacher - but she was smart enough not to come over and try to comfort him. Not when she also knew it was something she said.

After a minute or two, Will gained control over himself again. He opened his eyes and straightened. Okay. So he absolutely would not marry on Midsummer's Day. He would just tell Vanessa that. Slowly, reminding himself to stay calm no matter what she said, he walked back to Vanessa and sat down. She opened her mouth to speak, but he cut her off.

"Look, I'm sorry," he said. Again, she tried to speak, probably apologize herself, but he continued. "I shouldn't have gotten so upset. I - it's hard for me to control myself about Midsummer. I can't get married that day, Vanessa. I just can't. Pick any other day, really I don't care that much, I'll do what you want, it's not like I have relatives to worry about or anything. "But not Midsummer's Day." Will silently congratulated himself on being so calm. Of course, he didn't yet know how Vanessa would take it.

"Why?" she asked quietly, though there was a dangerous edge in her voice. She was obviously trying not to upset him again, but wanted to know.

Will looked down. "I can't tell you that either." He took another deep breath, and looked into his fiancée's eyes. "You'll just have to accept that, Vanessa. Midsummer's Day is special to me. And it's a private sort of special. In fact -" he hesitated, then plunged on recklessly "- if there's one thing I ask, it's that you let me just disappear on Midsummer's Day and you never ask where I've gone or what I'm doing or the why of any of it, just let me have that day to myself. Please."

Vanessa stared at him, her brown eyes reproachful and pleading. "But - but why? I could say Yes if I knew why."

Will struggled not to laugh wildly. Tell her and she'd let him disappear, no questions asked, every day. "I can't, Vanessa," he answered as gently as he could. "I'm sorry, but I can't."

Vanessa blinked a few times, her eyes overly bright. "It's just that - I've always had this foolish little dream of a Midsummer's Day wedding, and now I've found the guy but he won't let me, won't even tell me why…" her voice trailed.

Damn, thought Will. _I didn't mean to make her cry. But I have to be there. _Maybe he could just tell Kirjava to go, but it would still be a betrayal. Besides, he didn't want to and he wouldn't be able to concentrate on the wedding if Kirjava was at the bench. He put an arm around Vanessa's shoulders, which were shaking silently. "I'm sorry, really I am," he said. "I didn't know that was your dream, and I don't think it's foolish at all."

Vanessa looked up hopefully. "Then will you…?"

"No," Will replied, shaking his head. "It's selfish, I know, but no."

"Why?"

"Because I won't," Will answered. "Here, if it makes you feel better, we can say I've got a previous engagement."

"Every year?" Vanessa asked skeptically. Will nodded. "Just what is this 'engagement'?" she demanded, shrugging his arm off.

"I can't tell you, haven't you been listening!" Will almost yelled. _Whoa now, slow down, man. Calm is the key, _he told himself. "Part of this 'engagement' is that I can't tell anyone about it," he said at a more normal volume. "I can't miss it even once, either, and I don't want to anyway. And I will not be wed on Midsummer's Day. Period. The answer to that date is no, Vanessa, and if you can't accept that -" he held out his hand "- give me back that ring."

"Certainly it would be understandable if you told me," Vanessa protested. "And as for the wedding - fine, whatever, but it's not really about that anymore."

"Then what is it about?" Will asked wearily. His hand wanted to drift up and rub his head, which was starting to hurt. He forced it down.

"It's about that you're hiding something from me. Something really important. And, Will, I love you but somehow - I'm not sure about this."

"About what?" Will asked, his stomach sinking. He suspected he already knew what she meant.

"About marrying you," she answered softly, looking away. "How can I marry someone who has some secret he can't tell me? How can I do that?" Her voice trembled, and she would not meet his eyes. Will knew she was trying not to cry.

Will took a deep breath, reminding himself to stay calm. His head was spinning with mixed emotions: guilt for upsetting Vanessa, relief that he might not have to pretend everything was all right, more guilt at the relief, disappointment and hurt that she wouldn't trust him. If only she had never mentioned Midsummer's Day!

"I - I think," he said slowly, drawing another deep breath, "that we should go home and think about this. We're both too upset right now to keep discussing it. Think about what I told you, that this is part of me, and I'll think over what you've said." He stood up, but Vanessa remained seated, arms crossed. He extended a hand - usually she loved that, but she ignored his hand and stood angrily.

"Fine," she snapped. Her voice trembled a little still. "I'll think. I'll think really hard about all the possibilities." Her tone made it very clear that she had already thought of some possibilities, and she didn't like them. She whirled and stormed away, breaking into a run when she thought she was out of sight. Will sat back down, letting his head sink into his hands.

What have I done? he asked himself. _What the hell did I just do?_

_

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A/N: Whew. Long chapter I know, but trust me, it was necessary. You don't even want to see the amount of loose leaf paper I used. Anyway, please review and tell me what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

Note: Here it is, finally, another chapter! I'm so sorry about the wait, but I moved and then I went to camp and then school started and general busyness, but here it is at last. Thank you zillions to everyone who reviewed, and there's a few of you I want to say things personally to.

Joey K. Baxter: I'm probably not going to add Lyra's point of view; this story is about Will, but thanks for the thought!

Muse daughter: the hourglass/teeth thing was one of the symbols on the alethiometer…I don't believe it is in any way related to a museum.

Everyone else, I really do appreciate your reviews, please keep sending them! I just don't want to tie you up with stuff to read before the chapter…so without further ado, here it is!

Chapter 3

Lyra stared at him reproachfully. Tears shone in her eyes. "Why, Will, my love?" she whispered. The alethiometer hung in its little bag over her shoulder. She sat under one of the tall trees in the groves of the mulefa's world; the place where they had realized their love for one another. Pantalaimon was draped over her neck, giving him the same reproachful look as Lyra. Will tried to protest, that she had indirectly approved, so long ago, but she cut him off every time, asking why. He couldn't stand to see her so upset with him. He would die rather than hurt her. Desperately, he moved towards her, reached to kiss her. She pulled away. He cried out her name, weeping. Suddenly she stood, and Will knew she was going, though where he could not have said. He reached out once more -

And he was in bed, panting, at home in his Oxford. "Java," he whispered. He needed his dæ mon's comforting presence. She sensed it and was already there, leaping gently onto his chest from the foot of the bed where she slept. Will hugged her gratefully.

"She asked me why," Will whispered. "And wouldn't let me kiss her. I still love her, so much I do." There was no need to say who 'she' was. Kirjava also knew that he loved her still. She missed Pantalaimon just as much as he missed Lyra. Kirjava comforted him, the two staying awake talking of the pair they loved - was Lyra still running about on the roofs of Jordan? Or had she married? And Pan - was his shape remarked upon? And had they hidden the fact they could be separated? No matter how many questions they could come up with, there were never answers. Finally, though, it was 6:30 and, stopping the restless questioning, Will got up and went to work.

Tired and worried about Lyra, he found it hard to concentrate. His eyes were half-closed as he checked his email, but suddenly they widened in surprise. Top on the list was an email from Vanessa.

Though he was anxious to read it, Will forced himself to work in chronological order as he always did, bottom to top, making Vanessa's last. The other seven or eight messages, all work-related, seemed to take hours to deal with. Yes, he knew there was a shortage of Lord of the Rings and he had notified Duffy. No, Disney movies hadn't been selling too well - DreamWorks sales were much higher. He liked his job well enough, but sometimes he was amazed at the minutiae of the inner workings of a marketing website like

At last he was done and could read Vanessa's email. Nervously he clicked the subject line - "I've thought" - and waited for it to load. A little scared of what he would find, he nevertheless read eagerly.

Will -

You told me to go home and think, and I did. I thought of little else. How, I asked myself, could I marry someone who hid something so clearly important to him? But then (around 4 a.m., I think) the thought dawned that perhaps it wasn't so much hidden as just private. I can respect that. We all have something we don't wish to share, I suppose. My first thought, of course, what made me so hostile yesterday, was of another woman, but I have since realized that that made no sense. I am sorry for the way I acted. Please forgive me.

In any case, I shall not ask you about that day again, and I don't expect I shall see you then. In return I do ask something of you, however; I want an answer if I ask you anything else. If you agree, you cans how it now by answering this once again: Will you marry me?

Hurry with a reply. I can think of nothing else.

I love you always,

Vanessa

Will read it three times, just to make sure. Even after the third reading, he couldn't fully absorb that she had accepted so quickly. Mostly, he felt an immense relief. The possibility that his Midsummer's 'engagement' involved another woman would not again be seriously considered. Her thoughts would not touch Lyra. No doubt she thought it something involving his parents; she knew about his father's disappearance, if not his death, and about his mother's suicide a year after entering a mental care institute. Will didn't really care what Vanessa thought. All that mattered was that she still wanted to marry him and wouldn't ask about Midsummer's Day. Remembering the last paragraph of her email, he wrote back.

Vanessa darling he wrote

Of course I will marry you. I do not think I shall ever be able to adequately express my thanks that you have decided not to press me about Midsummer's Day. But I can and shall try, starting by agreeing to your request. You may ask me anything else and be answered.

You asked that I hurry, so I will end this here and send it.

Love from,

Will

He only felt a twinge of guilt over that last. He did love her, after all, he just wasn't in love with her like he was Lyra. As far as answering her questions, eh could lie if the true answer would elad to Lyra. She hadn't actually asked that he answered truthfully. He would feel awful about it, but compared to the disaster if she found out about Lyra…It was a small price to pay.

Smiling, he clicked 'send.' His smile soon faded as he went through the day, but one happy thought remained in his head: _Midsummer's Day is coming._

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Well that chapter was a bit shorter! Hope you liked it and please let me know in a review!

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	4. Chapter 4

A/N: First off, let me apologize – I know it's been forever. This chapter took a long time to write, and then even if I had typed it I wouldn't have been able to upload it because of computer problems. Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed. You are my motivation. Just a few of you I want to mention personally. Taliara – Eventually. Be patient.  
Sioned136 – muahaha. You have no idea.  
All disclaimers from Chapter 1 still apply, of course. So now….

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Chapter 4 – Loved Without Loving 

Will frowned at the telephone as it rang again. Could no one leave him to his newspaper? Reluctantly, he set it down and walked over to answer the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Will. Um, it's me." She sounded nervous.

"Vanessa," he breathed. Had she received his email then? Or was she calling to demand an answer to hers? He fervently hoped it was the former. "Did you get my email?"

"Yes," she answered, and he could tell she was smiling. "I was calling to thank you." Will quietly breathed a sigh of relief. Vanessa was silent you've used "silent" twice rather close together here, you might want to replace one of them for a different word for a moment. Then: "I suppose we should have another go at picking a date."

"So we should," Will laughed, "but perhaps we should discuss other things as well first."

"Such as?" He knew she knew what he meant, but if she wanted to play with him, he would let her.

"Oh, telling your parents, maybe," he said lightly.

"Oh that," Vanessa replied. She sounded disappointed. "We ought to invite them and Mary somewhere, introduce them, and tell them all then. My parents haven't met Mary, have they?"

"No." Will wondered what Mary would think when he told her he was getting married. She knew perfectly well that he still loved Lyra. "That's a good idea," he continued. "What should we invite them to?"

"I was thinking a dinner party, Friday or Saturday. I'll make something and you can bring sides."

From there, the two quickly agreed on Saturday at Vanessa's apartment. After Vanessa gave Will a few very specific instructions about what to bring, they hung up.

Both Mary and Vanessa's parents accepted the invitation, but as the two sentences just scans better as one the week drew on, Will began to worry. Mary knew everything about him; she'd respect his decision, but what if she slipped and said something? Or what if Vanessa's parents didn't want her marrying a Gentile? Or what if…there were a thousand scenarios playing in his mind, all of them bad. By Saturday, he was jumping at everything. Kirjava did her best to calm him, but Will knew she was worried too. Fortunately, Kirjava herself was not a source of worry. They'd found years ago that people in this world could see Kirjava only when she wanted them to.

"Tell you what," she said, early Saturday afternoon, becoming frustrated with his refusal to relax. "I'll come with you tonight. No one but you and Mary will know I'm there, and Mary will understand."

He grabbed her tail lightly. "Fine. Just don't tickle me."

"What, like this?" she asked innocently as she brought up her tail to tickle his neck.

"No - stop - Java -" Will giggled breathlessly, trying to pull away. Kirjava tried to continue, but collapsed in giggles of her own. She ought to know by now that tickling him meant she felt it too, yet she persisted. Today, though, it broke the tension, and when Will finally stopped laughing, he felt ready to take whatever happened tonight with a smile.

His anxiety returned when Vanessa's doorbell rang early, but not as strongly. Vanessa was nervous as well. At the sound of the doorbell she jumped. Will gave her a reassuring smile as she went to the door. It turned out to be a package delivery, something Vanessa had ordered for a project with her students. Still, it unnerved both of them, and by the time Vanessa's parents arrived, Will was very glad Kirjava was with him.

Will had met Vanessa's parents briefly before. Last time they - mostly her mother - had questioned him on everything from his religion to his favorite music. Vanessa explained it away, saying her mom always had to know everything. Unfortunately, Will's memory of their love of interrogation was correct. Vanessa's mother, Gail, seemed about to start in on him again. Happily, Marry arrived promptly. In the flurry of introductions, Gail forgot about questions for the moment. Will guessed that his and Vanessa's news would result in either no questions, or a flood of them. He hoped it was the former, though he suspected it would be the latter. In any case, he was about to find out.

All five of them sat in the living room, Will and Vanessa next to each other on the couch, with Gail on Vanessa's other side, and Mary and Michael, Vanessa's father, in the two chairs across the room. Vanessa took a deep breath and started talking.

"Mom, Dad, Mary, Will and I have invited you tonight because there's something we want to tell you." She glanced at Will. "Do you want…?"

He smiled at her. "Sure." He turned to the others. "We're engaged."

"But Ly -!" Mary exclaimed, barely catching herself. Will wasn't sure anyone besides himself had heard over Vanessa's mother's chatter.

"You are? Oh Vanessa baby, how wonderful! We knew you'd find a man eventually, though -" she lowered her voice "- we did hope he'd be a nice Jewish boy. But if that's what you want, honey, well, we couldn't be happier."

"Yes, Mom," Vanessa said quietly, smiling, "this is what I want."

"And it's what I want as well," Will added quickly, shooting an I'll-tell-you-later glance at Mary. He knew she was puzzled, but he could hardly explain in front of Vanessa and her parents. Not making references to Lyra would be impossible.

"Have you two discussed any other arrangements?" Michael asked. "A date for the wedding and living arrangements and such?"

Vanessa glanced sidelong at Will before answering. "We discussed it briefly, but we haven't decided anything yet."

"Wonderful!" Gail said. "We can help you figure everything out."

"Yes, we'd love that," Vanessa replied with a hint of sarcasm. She rose. "Let's discuss it over dinner."

They took her suggestion and moved to the table. Vanessa quickly brought in the food, and they all dug in. For a few minutes, chewing and the clicking of utensils were the only sounds. Will slipped a bit of chicken to Kirjava at his feet. She didn't need to eat, but she did enjoy it. Gail finally broke the silence.

"As I recall, Will, you're not really religious. How do you feel about a Jewish wedding?"

Will had expected the question. "I don't know if it would be right, since I'm not Jewish, but I don't mind."

"Our Rabbi does interfaith marriages, so it won't be a problem," Vanessa told him.

Will shrugged. "Then Jewish wedding it is."

Michael nodded, though he looked somewhat displeased. "But still, when?"

"I think you should pick a romantic day," Gail said dreamily. "I don't know, maybe Midsummer's."

Mary's fork clattered as she dropped it. Will almost did the same and fumbled to catch his. Vanessa flinched. Will thought her heard her mutter a curse.

"No," Will said breathlessly. "Not Midsummer." Mary sighed in relief. Will groaned inwardly when he realized she thought he had forsaken Lyra. _Never will I let that thought be true, my love, _he promised silently.

"Oh come now, why ever not?" Gail asked. "It would be so perfect!"

"Because I said so!" Will cried, standing angrily. He thought he was done with this!

"Will," Mary said warningly.

He took a deep breath, trying desperately to stay calm. "I - I can't get married on Midsummer's Day. And besides, it may be your daughter's wedding but it's not yours! It's mine as well, and I said no!" Childish though it was, it was all he could think of to say. Vanessa's parents were stunned by his outburst. A chill ran down his back as he remembered his vision of the alethiometer's symbol for betrayal. He would not betray Lyra. And he would not marry on Midsummer's Day. Period.

Will suddenly noticed how fast he was breathing. In a moment he was going to cry. "Excuse me." Not waiting for an answer, he shoved his chair back and rushed into the bathroom, the only room he could lock.

"Why?" he asked his dæmon, who of course had followed him. "Of all the bloody things she could say, she had to pick that! And Mary didn't even help me! Just let that bloody woman keep chattering!

Kirjava had no answer. Will thumped down on the tile, leaning against the wall. Outside he heard Vanessa making excuses and getting up. Coming after him, probably. He was right; a few seconds later a soft knock sounded.

"Will? Let me in?" Reluctantly, he opened the door enough for Vanessa to slip in. It wasn't her fault her mother had seized on that.

She sat next to him. "I'm sorry, Will. I told her once that I thought Midsummer was romantic, and she apparently remembered it."

"It's not your fault," Will said flatly.

She glanced at him uncertainly. "Mary's defending you. I would have but I wanted to talk to you."

He stiffened. "What's she saying?" he demanded. He looked into her wide eyes. "Tell me everything you can remember! Every word!"

Vanessa frowned, but sensed that it was best to answer. "She said, 'Don't pressure the poor boy. It is his wedding, and you haven't even consulted Vanessa before you go tearing in on it. He said no, with good reason; you've no idea what that day means to him.'" Will relaxed. Vanessa glanced at him again. Will knew she was burning to ask him what Mary meant. Clearly, though, the memory of her promise was stronger than her curiosity. Will sent a silent thank you to whoever taught Vanessa about honor. "Will," she continued, "I don't know what it is with you and - and that day." She held up a hand to forestall an angry reply. "And I won't ask. But my mother probably will. Not necessarily directly, and not tonight after you've shocked her, but she'll try until she gets an answer."

Will laughed out loud. Perhaps he could just tell her about the other worlds and she'd stop asking. She'd probably not want her daughter married to a madman. Will imagined the scene if he told Gail about Lyra and all the other worlds that existed. Kirjava's body shook against him as she also laughed. Vanessa frowned at him.

"Will - what's so - stop it! I wasn't - it's not funny!" Vanessa spluttered.

Will managed to bring himself under control. "I'm sorry," he gasped. "You're right. It really isn't funny."

Her frown darkened. "Then why were you laughing?"

Will flicked a hand. "I was just imagining ways to avoid your mother." Vanessa clearly didn't believe that, but, as she so often did, she let the excuse slide. She smiled oddly.

"Well, I hope you thought up some good ones, since what I said was true."

"Don't worry," Will said softly. Her eyes captured his for a moment. She smiled, a smile that said she loved him whatever cockamamie stories he made up when he laughed. Impulsively, he leaned forward and kissed her. She kissed back, sliding her arms around his neck. Will enjoyed it for a moment, then gently pushed Vanessa back.

"Let's go back before Mary chews them out too much, shall we?" he suggested. Reluctantly, she let go of him and nodded.

Chaos reigned in the dining room. Michael seemed calm, but the women were glaring, red-faced, at one another. It seemed they'd stopped arguing only when Will and Vanessa came in. Mary turned to him

"Will," she said tightly, "could you please explain to this - this _busybody_ - that wedding plans should be made by the participants and that they don't have to give explanations of everything? She doesn't seem to understand when I say it."

Gail spoke before he could answer. "I just want to know the reason that sent you yelling at me!"

Will's mind raced. He didn't know what he could say to shut up Gail and not slip anything about Lyra. Blessedly, Vanessa spoke first. If he had believed in God, Will would have thanked him.

"Mom. Will and I have already discussed this. We have agreed to pick another date and I am fine with the fact that he offers no explanation. If you cannot accept that, then don't come."

Gail stared, speechless, at her daughter. Mary's lips twitched as she tried to hide a smile. Will felt his own lips also twitching with the effort. Finally, Gail managed to collect herself.

"If you're happy, then," she said coldly. "I for one feel there shouldn't be secrets between spouses." Will nearly flinched. Vanessa seemed to sense it, placing a comforting hand on his back before she replied.

"Thanks for the input, but I'm not you. Now, are you going to quit pestering my fiancé and let us finish this visit pleasantly, or would you prefer to go home? I've a bit of a headache and I'm in no mood to have to calm Will down again tonight because of you." Will had never heard Vanessa speak so cuttingly. He wanted to protest that he wouldn't get angry, but he knew Vanessa was trying to make a point.

It worked. "I think," Michael said firmly, "that we should discuss this another time. It clearly isn't Will who needs calming. Come, dear." With that he griped his wife's arm and pulled her up. She cooperated as he led her to the door, though not without sending venomous looks at Will.

Vanessa collapsed into a chair the moment the door shut. "That went well." There was no mistaking her sarcasm. "Just because someone always has to know everything!"

Will came over and started massaging her shoulders. "Relax. We'll make the rest of the decisions without consulting them. This won't happen again."

Her eyes slid closed. "God, I hope not."

"The woman - forgive me, Vanessa - the woman is a shrew.' Mary piped up. Vanessa started. She'd forgotten Mary was there.

Will's hands paused. "You mean she…her…?" Mary nodded. Will winced.

Vanessa laughed. "Nothing to forgive. She really is." Her laughter faded. "But I wish she didn't ruin everything! She always does! Ever since I was little! I never had parties in high school because she'd always be hovering there, watching! And parties I went to, she'd interrogate me about. And let's not even go into dating…" Will could feel Vanessa trembling. She laughed again, bitterly. "What she did made me think I'd never get married! And now I'm practically starting to think that again…"

"Nonsense," Will told her firmly. "We're marrying whether your mother wants it or not. We'll elope if we have to."

"I don't want to elope!" Vanessa wailed. She twisted, clutched at his shirt. Her eyes were wet. "I want to be happy! I want my friends there! I want…" Her voice trailed off as she sobbed into Will's chest.

Mary stood and pointed toward the door, indicating she'd show herself out. Will nodded, and she disappeared. Vanessa didn't notice. Gently, Will gathered the crying woman in his arms. She was small enough that he could carry her the short distance to the couch. There, he sat down and held her in his lap as she cried for her lost dreams of a stressless, happy wedding.

Will tried to suppress it, but a tear crept down his own cheek. Vanessa might just want a happy wedding. Will didn't care if they eloped or if they married at Buckingham Palace.

Neither would get him his Lyra.

* * *

A/N: Whew. Long chapter, but I'm glad you hung with me. Send me a review to tell me if it was worth it! 


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